Stop Looking For It

Whatever it is you seek in this life….

Whether love, happiness, peace, money, joy, respect, knowledge, wisdom….

At a time in your life, release yourself from the deep yearning to have this for yourself….

Allow yourself to experiment, to see that perhaps in stopping the act of searching for it, and in halting the desire for it, it will come on its own….

The desire to make it happen may have actually been holding you back, interfering with your progress….

In my life….

I have said to myself….

To heck with it, if she doesn’t like me, she doesn’t like me….

(After dealing with crippling social anxiety.)

Then she liked me….

I have said, if I stop reading and I become ignorant and foolish, then so be it….

(It’s not that I don’t read, but I am willing to go through periods where I don’t read anything.)

Then I became wiser….

I have said, if I am unable to be tranquil because of a chaotic environment and situation (out of my control), then oh well….

And I found peace through the storms, even practicing meditation/mindfulness through them at times….

I have said if I invest in this thing I believe in, and it fails miserably, then at least I did something I believe in….

Many of those investments (in my own book projects, for example) did fail, economically speaking, but enough succeeded and they carried me forward into a deeper journey of learning, growing, and writing….

Over and over, I found that in releasing myself from the desire for an expectation, the desired expectation came true anyway, often right after I gave up on it.

As a chess player, one of the best things you can do in a losing position is to say to yourself “Okay, I am utterly defeated.” As soon as you truly accept that defeat, you open yourself to strange, threatening problems to pose your opponent.

There is magic in that moment where you see the futility and stare straight into it.

You accept defeat for a moment, but then you press on, never truly giving up. Even if there is one window of opportunity, that is all you need.

True awareness is where you find that thing you were searching for….

You come to understand that “I will never find this love – it is simply beyond me, but one day, maybe it will find me, if I keep on doing what I know I must do in this life….”

You give up, but just temporarily.

Then somehow, people in your life come to sense your newfound inner-worth, because you know you no longer need anyone else, and they become attracted to you.

More importantly, your love for yourself will finally have grown, as you stopped measuring your life by whether another person loved you….

Here is another example….

A few years ago, I developed tinnitus (ringing in one ear), and at a certain point, it was bad enough that I actually didn’t know how I would be able to focus again, with this loud, annoying, constant piercing sound in my ear. I had developed regular headaches, and it was a miserable experience.

But at a certain point, I accepted defeat, rather than searching for what to do about it.

I stopped looking for the feeling of relief from the tinnitus. I stopped hoping for it to go away.

I told myself that this tinnitus ringing sound isn’t even there. My brain is producing the noise (I believe this is actually true, medically speaking). This sound isn’t important. It’s nonexistent. I will go about my life like always. And I did.

And soon enough after that, the “sound” eased off. I barely noticed it anymore. I’m not sure if it actually got better, if I simply stopped noticing it, or both.

Strangely, in giving up on looking for any relief or solutions, it mostly went away. Now, it is quite mild and doesn’t affect my life.

(Of course, the one thing I did and continue to do, is protect my ears from loud noises, but that does not make the tinnitus go away.)

Understand this….

Typically, our life problems are self-created, working in cycles, over and over. And we exhaust ourselves simply to repeat them….

The desire to escape the pain or troubles, somehow actually manifests them, over and over.

If you truly inspect your life and see it for what it is, you are likely to find that you must do something different.

You must actually stop wanting that thing that you think you want, in order to get it.

And if you don’t get it, you may find that your life blossoms in other ways that you never could have guessed.

Of course, if you had a goal, you went directly for it, and you achieved it, then you are done. There is nothing else to do….

But I am speaking to those who have spent themselves totally, drained their life’s energy for a pursuit, only to have it escape them, perhaps over and over….

What else is there to do?

Accept defeat, even if just for now….

What is the worst that could happen?

Abandon the goal, or if not, at least abandon the hope that it will turn out in a certain way.

Let it go.

Find freedom there, in not needing everything to happen in a particular way.

Allow yourself to play with this life, to explore and see where it goes, rather than needing something from it.

Perhaps you can have love, happiness, peace, money, joy, respect, knowledge, or wisdom, just not in the way you had expected to find it….

Stop Looking

But still be there, present, aware, ready for when what you desire arises on its own….

Ready for when the ingredients to make it happen all line up for you….

Give it a month….

You’ve spent years or decades trying to get there….

If it didn’t happen, give yourself a month of not looking. Give it an honest try.

Get back into a hobby, play a musical instrument, get in touch with old friends, write a book, or whatever keeps your mind off of this so-called goal.

See how it goes.

Let me know….

Make Value Instead of Just Taking It

As tax season is here, I’ve been thinking about money and finances. I am in a new tax situation since I moved back to the US last year, so I searched for the most effective CPA (Certified Public Accountant) for my needs, and that offered the lowest rate.

I’ve made some mistakes when it comes to hiring companies in the past. I repeated a pattern many times of looking for the one with the best reviews. Unfortunately, I’ve come to find that reviews are often bought and paid for. Many businesses like myself do things the right way, but unfortunately, the ones that do not end up casting doubt on all of us.

One time, I spoke with the marketing consultant of a car shop. She gave me a ride home while my car was being repaired. On that ride, she offered me $50 to write a positive review for the car shop. I ended up declining, as it didn’t feel right. She had so little faith in the business she worked for. If she had just asked me, I probably would have done it for free. The business did provide a good service, after all.

Lately, whenever I buy anything from Amazon, the manufacturer sends a note to my address asking for a review. One even had the gall to send me a link that would automatically fill in a 5-star rating for them. I quickly unclicked the 5-star rating and left the site. As an author, I know the dire need for reviews. We must get noticed, or we are destined to fail. But there is no need to trick people into leaving a positive review.

Have a bit of patience. If your product or service is truly that good, people will notice.

So if not reviews, how do we decide on who to hire? Well, I have twice hired big roofing companies to do some repair work. In both cases, I realized that all these companies did was hire independent workers to get the job done. I’ve noticed this pattern with other big companies I’ve hired. They end up hiring people who will do the work cheaply. And often, much of the rest goes to advertising or potentially even paying for reviews to ensure they have a steady stream of customers willing to pay the big bucks.

One of these roofing companies failed to complete much of the work properly. I noticed mistake after mistake and called them back so they would finish the job properly. Even if you pay a lot of money to a company, you should still check their work. Sometimes receiving their pay is the primary concern, rather than doing a good job.

Recently, when I hired my CPA, I avoided big companies or firms with a variety of CPAs and tax advisors working for them. Instead, I looked for an independent worker. The one I ended up going with only had one review on Google, but I figured maybe his rates would actually be reasonable. When I gave him a call, he immediately found a deduction I can take that will actually more than cover the fee I end up paying him. I did call some bigger companies to see what would happen. They charged twice as much as him, and none of them mentioned this large deduction I was eligible for. He has spent at least an hour of his time just on phone calls with me and will not charge me for this. A big company either won’t offer that at all or will charge for such consultations.

The real topic I want to discuss today is making value. What does that mean? The way society works now, many of us want to funnel as much money into our own bank accounts as possible. Realistically, who wouldn’t like to have more money? And who wouldn’t like to get it without having to work more for it? The problem is that this mindset isn’t about making value. It’s about taking it.

The “taking value” mindset at its worst becomes about putting in the minimum effort, shifting blame onto others when things go wrong, taking credit when things go right, charging for every possible thing you can charge for even if it burdens the client, and generally putting your income first and the client last.

When we do this, who are we shortcutting, exactly? If significant chunks of the population work this way, then society itself is being robbed.

If someone pays $1,000 for a CPA that will have his assistant do the taxes cheaply, for a true value of about $200, then that CPA is just considered smart in our society. If he does this and it works, and clients continue to pay him, it seems no one is really losing here. But what if that CPA goes to the market, and he buys some apples that are on sale. They’re half price. But when he gets home, half of them have worms in them. The other half are fine. So it turns out he paid full price for these apples because half had gone bad. And if it were me, I’d throw them all out, as I would have lost faith in them.

You may think that these two scenarios demonstrate the same idea, but one involves much more money.

But it’s not the same thing at all. In the scenario above, the CPA who charged $1,000 for a $200 service got away with taking value. No one really noticed that he sucked $800 into his pockets without doing the work.

With the market scenario, a business that sold apples on sale with worms in them would probably lose customers quite fast. I would certainly doubt the quality of my market if that ever happened to me. So, the value hasn’t been taken there. Not in the long-term, anyway. The market owner may have made extra money on a transaction but lost a customer for the long haul.

But lately, I wonder how many people in society have successfully found ways to take value from us? They take value from society, but of course, it is legal because clients have willingly paid up. In some cases, this taking of value may be seen in what we call “hidden fees,” where you sign a 20-page contract with a company and then are surprised at all of the fees you unknowingly agreed to pay. Another example may be with companies that take your money upfront for a service, then they do not provide the promised service, and they refuse to give a refund. And, of course, some companies try to hook you on recurring fees, then if you stop using the service, they still happily keep charging you.

The above cases are clear cut and involve taking value. But unfortunately, sometimes, it can be difficult to know when value is taken and how much of it is taken. The simple argument I always hear is that if someone is willing to pay a certain amount for a service, then that is what it is worth. Well, sure, but it’s not always that simple. If you are an expert, you are supposed to know what your service is truly worth. A naïve client with a lack of experience in a field will have difficulty knowing whether he is truly getting what he paid for. Sometimes, a naïve client will pay more than a service is worth, but he would never have paid it if he had known that.

I would urge us to look for more ways to make value, rather than always needing to take it. This is an odd thing to even think about because phrased another way, I’m asking you if you can find a way to make less money.

Most people I know, especially business people, are focused on earning more, which becomes a key motivator. But to make sure we are making value rather than just taking it, sometimes we should ask if we could earn less money and if that would still be okay. Or, to view this a different way, can you provide more value than what you are getting paid for, and is that still okay?

I’m sure that my proposal of “making value” can become frustrating for those paid at the lower ends. Perhaps you have a boss that already pays you low wages. To go the extra mile and provide more value seems practically foolish. Why would you do this? Well, in that situation, I wouldn’t think about your boss as much as I would think about the clients involved. The clients are real people who need your help, presumably.

Set aside thoughts about whether you are being paid properly, and be a real person for the clients that you are there to help. Perhaps you don’t work with clients directly – that is fine too. If you work with products, those products will eventually make their way to clients. Then focus on making the best products that you can.

We are in a pandemic right now. I hate to see that some of us will lose our humanity, striving to take value rather than make it. People need our humanity to shine through now, more than ever.

One of my insurance providers connects me with the same real individual every time I have any concern or question. And this person, Trevor, treats me like a real human being. He is there to help me with anything and make me feel comfortable and happy with the service. The service he provides extends beyond just being about the insurance itself. It is about being a real person and providing a positive and valuable experience. Sometimes when I call him, it feels like I’m chatting with an old friend who happens to work in insurance.

I have gotten about 10 messages from competitors telling me that I qualify for a lower rate than what this insurance provider is giving me. But I decided that I trust Trevor and the service he provides. I’m convinced that Trevor and his company are about making value and not just taking it away. And by the way, Trevor works at a very large company, so it’s not impossible for big companies to make value. Unfortunately, it’s just rare.

Ask yourself if you’re making value or just taking it away. Generally, those who earn less money are making more value. Those who we find the need to thank for their work are often making more value than they are paid for. If this is you, keep looking for ways to make value.

Those who make more money should consider if they are making as much value as they can. Are you more focused on billing for everything that you possibly can, perhaps with hidden fees, or are you focused on actually providing a service that makes clients happy and feeling good about the work you provided?

Something intriguing to me about our society is that often the ones making the most value for all of us will be the ones who receive the least compensation for their efforts. And the ones who focus all their energy on taking value at every step of the way are often rewarded for this, earning more and more. But that pattern does not make it right. We should consider if we can make a change, somehow.

As we are in a pandemic, one way to make value is to consider if some people cannot afford your service due to their personal hardships. In such cases, can you offer a lower rate to some people who are in need? Can you afford to work for free in a few rare cases? If you work at a company and cannot work for free, can you offer free guidance or help on the weekends? Even if you do this occasionally, it is still a way to make value.

Every day, I aim to put my dollars in places that focus more on making value, not just taking it. I would urge you to spend your money on givers, not just takers. When you see a business that does not seem to care about the customers and wants to make a lot of money without caring how they do it, start looking for another place to spend your money.

STOP Resisting Your Purpose, and START Living It

A problem many of us have is that we are our own greatest obstacle. We have denied our own purpose rather than pursued it.

Most of us have a good sense of what we are supposed to be doing with our lives, but we don’t know that we know. Years of denying our true self, our true feelings, and our own hearts have gotten us to the point where we don’t know what we were meant to do.

Here are some tips to stop resisting yourself so that you can actually make progress on living out your purpose.

STOP listening to what everyone says you should do, and START doing what you know you are meant to do

Most of us miss out on our purpose because we listen too much to what other people think we should be doing. Your family may want you to earn more money or to have a career with a good reputation, but ultimately you are the one living your life. If you do not like your job or life, no one else will have to deal with it every day except for you.

Something to keep in mind is that many industries are unpredictable. An industry that earns very well today may go bankrupt tomorrow. This can happen whether we are fulfilling our purpose or not, of course. However, if I’m going to go bankrupt, personally, I would rather have it happen while I am pursuing my purpose rather than pursuing a career that I had no interest in.

It’s not a pretty sight to study and work hard only to hate your life and job, just to earn a decent paycheck, and then have your whole industry go bankrupt overnight.

While working on my purpose, I know that I will be fiercely determined to keep doing my work. That’s because it isn’t just work, and it isn’t just a way to earn a paycheck. When you work on your purpose, you will be more likely to be among the best at what you do, and even if parts of your industry go bankrupt, you will find the motivation and the reason to keep going, and perhaps you will even thrive under adversity.

STOP working for a paycheck, and START working for a greater purpose

When your paycheck is the best thing about your life’s path or your job, then perhaps you should reconsider your direction. Of course, it’s nice to make money, but I believe we should be working for a deeper reason. Generally, you should want to improve yourself, people around you, or the world in some way through your work.

In my opinion, it’s more rewarding to earn money as a byproduct of living out your life’s purpose, rather than having the money be the central thing that you are focused on.

When you know your purpose, you can focus fully on doing your best at this, and the money will follow. I believe people have a good sense for when someone is doing something that they truly care about and want to help with versus when someone is motivated primarily to earn income.

I am happy to pay people for their work when they are highly motivated and working on their purpose. Rather, when they view me as dollar signs, I am not always happy to pay them, and I may not return for their service again. For me, it is easy to notice when someone is unhappy at their work versus when someone is deeply motivated by a higher purpose. You will notice this too if you pay attention.

But the tricky part is - Can you notice this in yourself? Are you truthful with yourself when you are unhappy with your life’s direction?

Ask yourself: Is your purpose shining through in your life, or are you dragging your feet every day?

By the way, whether you like your job or not, I think you should aim to do your best. Many people don’t want to be where they are in life – this doesn’t give us the right to treat others poorly or do our work half-heartedly.

STOP giving up on yourself, and START believing in yourself

Many of us can end up in jobs we don’t like, don’t believe in, and possibly where we don’t even get paid well. When you give up or don’t believe in yourself, it’s easy to take lower-level jobs that offer no path to a better future.

Unfortunately, it’s also easy to get stuck there for life.

If you don’t believe in yourself, you won’t see the point of meeting your purpose because you will assume that you would fail. Or perhaps you don’t want to fail in front of other people – you are worried about what they will say or think.

When you are feeling stuck and ready to give up on yourself, consider what you have to lose by trying to fulfill your true purpose? Nothing at all. Why not give it a shot?

Ultimately, we must believe in ourselves so that we can fulfill our true purpose. The next best thing is to find someone who believes in you. In time, their belief in you will help you to believe in your own abilities.

Note that a belief in yourself doesn’t mean that you think you are the best. It doesn’t even mean that you are necessarily prepared to meet your purpose. It just means that you know you can learn what you need to, and build the experience you need, to go on the path toward meeting your purpose.

STOP talking about what you will do, and START doing it

Many people get stuck in talking about what they want to do, what their purpose or their dream is, and they never actually do it. I think it’s best that when you know your purpose or your dream, you shouldn’t even talk about it at all. The more you talk, the more you will feel like you are making some progress because you discuss your ideas. However, nothing is actually getting done.

Personally, I spend very little time discussing my ideas. I prefer to use that energy on outlining, organizing, planning, and implementing those ideas.

Someone can argue that in discussing ideas, it helps you figure out which ones are good. That may be true, but it’s hard to judge an idea if it hasn’t been implemented on some level. Consider going for a Minimum Viable Product (MVP), where you create something small to see what people think of it. Instead, if you want to write a novel, write a short story and get some feedback on it. There is no need to discuss your novel idea with everyone – in the worst case, you may get negative feedback and become discouraged.

Some people may be able to talk a lot about their ideas and execute them, but in my experience, those who talk more execute less and sometimes do not execute at all.

STOP getting stuck in the same old patterns, and START creating the life you want and need to happen

If you struggle to find your purpose, it may be because you have allowed yourself to get stuck in a job you do not care for or in a life situation that you do not care for. When we find ourselves in such a place, of course, we can feel drained, bored, or overwhelmed.

Someone who works at a full-time job that they do not care about will probably not feel energized to meet their purpose.

However, when you are stuck in a place you do not want to be, your options are limited. It doesn’t seem realistic to quit your stable job and then hope to land your dream job, not without any planning, anyway.

The main option I have seen work is to stay at your stable job and then pursue your purpose or your dream on the side. For example, how much progress could you make on your purpose by working evenings and weekends? Of course, this can seem overwhelming, but you have to ask yourself – is your purpose worth it?

Even if all you can do is work on your purpose (or develop your skills so that you can work on your purpose) for half an hour per day, it is worth doing. Small, steady progress is still something.

Ask yourself: Do you want to wake up in twenty years at the same job you can’t stand, and not having made any progress on your purpose just because you made up excuses?

STOP worrying about your resume, and START learning what you need to make progress

When I started on the path toward my purpose, I used to worry a lot about my resume. I used to think – if working for myself doesn’t work out, then I will have a gap of unemployment and a lack of skill development in my timeline. I was completely wrong. Through working on my purpose, I had become self-employed. I had become my own boss, and I was doing the tasks that I had decided were best for my business.

The reality is it took time before I felt like I was making real progress. But as the years passed, I realized that I was gaining skills and improving my abilities day by day. Eventually, I realized that I was learning more self-employed than I would have working for a company. This is because my standards were high, and I was working on a variety of projects that required a variety of skill sets. When I didn’t know how to do something, I took the time to learn it and improve at it.

I laugh now at any concerns about the resume. I don’t even have a resume, but I have developed many skills along the way to living my purpose, as I regularly learn new skills and advance my abilities on my purpose journey.

When you live your purpose, you will learn any skills you need to get the job done because you will be doing what truly matters to you. Whether you work for yourself or someone else, you will be driven by a higher need to make your purpose a reality, and you will be more motivated to learn and develop your abilities this way.

STOP listening too much to reason, and START listening to your heart

Ultimately, I think we all have a feeling for what we are truly supposed to be doing. When you dread every day because you can’t stand your life’s path, it should be quite evident that you have denied your life’s purpose and that this is not the best path for you.

As much as reason is a powerful tool for finding solutions, we can also get stuck in reason. I have often seen people reason their way into bad life choices and causing problems in their lives. When considering your life’s purpose, don’t crowd out your heart’s desires with too much reason.

When you listen to your heart, you will be guided along a much better path.

When you deny your heart, you will always wish you were doing something else in the back of your mind. With this, how successful can you truly be? You may feel like a fraud, living a life that you knew was not truly meant for you. You may always be left wondering – Why didn’t I take a chance on what I truly wanted to do?

It’s easy for everyone around you to tell you that you won’t make it, that you aren’t talented or skilled enough, but how can you know unless you do it?

Many people will tell you, “But what if it doesn’t work out?” This is well-meaning, but if you have failure on your mind when you’re beginning on a new path, this is already a bad way to start.

Keep in mind that I am a highly practical person, and I am still telling you to listen to your heart. Listen to your head too. If you need the income to stay afloat, then keep your stable job, or find the best-paying job you can find. But don’t get stuck in that for your whole life. Work on what your heart wants you to do so that eventually, you can dedicate most of your time to your life’s true purpose.

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This is Part 2 of 3 posts on finding purpose. Here are the other two posts:

My Purpose Journey - A Winding Road

Dealing with Barriers on the Path to Living Your Purpose